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I grew up playing with Barbie dolls.  I loved those fashion dolls, Barbie or otherwise.  The ones from the dollar stores were just as good to me, honestly.  Sometimes prettier.  A whole lot of those looked more like me.  But as I grew, I began to hear all these outraged groups of people talking about how Barbie stands for this and that, and how she promotes negative body image or misogynistic principles.  I guess it’s obvious that people can make a case for that.  They’ve certainly been doing so for a while.  But, recently I saw this commercial and I had this revelation of sorts about Barbie and her empire…  She’s sexist, alright.   Just not in the way we’ve been told.

Barbie is neither misogynistic, nor feminist.  Barbie is a female supremacist.  Yes.  I had never noticed it, but, I started thinking about it and, how many careers has Barbie had?  At least twice as many as Ken as far as I can tell.  Though, honestly, I could only initially think of 3, whereas I could list at least 15 of Barbie’s.  Yes, Ken was an Olympic gold medalist, and he did do a pretty good job of serving in the Barbie armed forces.  However, he spent most of his life as a professional beach bum.  The  guy’s been alive for 51 years.  He spent at least 30 of those years, if not more, wandering around on the beach until he walked over to Barbie’s house.

Yes, I did, I said walked.  Google “Barbie car.”  Picture after picture.  Results for virtual internet miles!  Now Google “Ken car.”  Good luck with that.  You’ll find a few “Barbie and Ken” cars.  Granted, they’re not as pink and flowery as what we know as the Barbie car, but, please.  He does not have his own car.  I suppose at some point he had a military Jeep or tank…  But, as far as I know, he’s never had a car of his own.  If he did, he must not have gotten to keep it.  Barbie gets at least one new car every year.  Not to mention the horse drawn carriage, a private jet, a boat.  Need I go on?  This woman needs a garage the size of Texas for all this.  I just hope Ken doesn’t have to maintain them.  Though, I suppose he can’t, as he has never been a mechanic or a stable hand.  Oh well.  Perhaps that’s why she trades them in each year?

You did catch where I said that Ken walked over to Barbie’s house right?  Good, because he has never, ever had a home of his own.  Not once.  I’m pretty sure even that tent he used to camp out on the beach during his beach bum years was borrowed from Barbie.  The man doesn’t even have any of his own furniture.  He just lays around in Barbie’s big pink dream house on her pink floral couch sipping pink champagne, because that’s what Barbie buys to keep in her pink refrigerator.  He doesn’t even have his own closet, but that’s okay, because he doesn’t have very many outfits anyway, and doesn’t have a washer/dryer to wash them in.  Just has to fit them in when he’s doing Barbie’s laundry in her pink washer/dryer.  So nice of her to let him do that.  Maybe he can pop some cookies in the oven and have a snack while he’s at it.  After all, he does have plenty of time on his hands.

Maybe he can talk to a friend or family on the phone while he waits?  Actually, not so much.  From what I can see he’s had enough friends for me to count on my hands.  The only family he’s had is one little brother.  To be honest, though…  None of them are ever seen or heard from again.  Maybe he can talk to some of Barbie’s friends?  I’d say they probably know better.  Evidence seems to suggest Barbie doesn’t like him to have friends.  Yikes.

If you want to know the truth, I don’t even think that Barbie has been with the same “Ken” all these years.  Seems to me, they’re all so different from each other that she must be leaving him every year to be with a new, younger guy named Ken.  This year’s seems to be around 17 if anything.  Take a look and tell me?  I’m not even sure he’s that old, but I’d like to think he is, as Barbie looks at least 25 to me, though some of them look more like 30.  If that isn’t proof enough for you…

Barbie has huge breasts!  Many people say this is evidence to support the theory that she represents misogynistic ideas, but who says she didn’t just use that Barbie truck full of money to buy those herself?  Seems perfectly plausible to me, after all she has won many, many pageants and had a booming modeling and acting career over the past 53 years.  I’m going to guess she’s had plenty of nips and tucks, and since Ken couldn’t pay for all that on his beach bum salary, it must have been her idea.  Yet, ken does not have even a lump down there.  Not a lump, not a line.  His is exactly the same as Barbie’s.  He doesn’t even wear boxer briefs. He has permanent panties if you ask me.  Okay, so they’re probably tighty whiteys, but what’s the difference in this case?  My guess is that Barbie carries around those missing bits in her shiny pink purse.

So, can we please stop going on about how Barbie doesn’t empower young girls?  (Because you shouldn’t pin that responsibility on inanimate objects anyway.)  Leave that responsibility with the parents.  Maybe have some sympathy for the poor homeless, penniless, beach bum of a eunuch who actually deserves it?  Poor Ken.  Here’s hoping they find a cure for your Benjamin Button syndrome.